THE VOID CONTINUES

• hello reader, i suppose its been a while. i dont hate to inform that this may perhaps be the last post of this site..
  for at least a while.
  
  to be honest, i simply cant keep up with maintenance as i just have no energy left to go through all the basic html i never got to truly
  learn. i was simply floating through the language of code, obviously a language i do not know well. not that i never cared to truly learn..
  
  i don't know if you realized it by now reader but i am pretty impatient. hopefully one day i get that burst of energy like i did that created this whole site.. who knows. i did utilize it as i intended.. a place to display my .. ah, what was it..
  
  oh yeah.. stream of consciousness..
  


heres how days have been:

• i wake up to a touch thats no longer there, though its absence is temporary as it is present.
• i substitute that subtle, empty feeling by reaching for my own bones: my ribs to be exact. they seem to get more prominent each week.
• i don't eat until dinner and i make sure not to exceed 800 calories, and that's being generous to myself.
• i go to bed warm, half full, skin to skin with the lover.

really whats been on this blog of mine is just documentation of my unapologetic mental decay. i don't know whats wrong with me reader. life hasn't been horrible. it's been quite nice, it's always been quite nice. i don't understand my own instincts to sabotage my wellbeing. it's not like i hate myself. i have quite an ego afterall.

something that's been bothering me is the fact that my memory is rotting. it gets worse day by day it seems. people often think i'm joking when i ask what i was just talking about mid-sentence. my thoughts are so fickle and i genuinely lose them in the middle of my speech. quite rude! i thought me and my thoughts were supposed to be on the same team! gosh.
but what really bothers me about this is that my daily life seems to be all a blur but i remember the things i don't want to remember so, so vividly. i can describe the taste of the air in the mental institution so easily, i'm sure you would have no problem imagining yourself in there. i still hear the pen clicks. i can still taste the smog. i can still hear them screaming.



• but i can't remember if i turned off the sink water after i used it.
• i can't remember if i showered already. did i brush my teeth? i don't even really brush my hair anymore. too much hair falls out.

but i remember feeling how stuffy my room was and being restrained by four hopsital staff to receive my injections. the mattress wasn't soft at all. i cried so loudly after, only to be sedated and unconscious in the next few seconds. it all turned pitch black.

• i regained consciousness the day after my 19th birthday. i was blacked out for three days. i knew i gained lucidity again once i showered myself and the nurse was ecstatic to discover i still had the capability to wash after myself. i guess i may have stayed in bed during the days i was doped up on whatever they gave me. at least it brought me down to sanity so to hell with my 19th birthday.




honestly, reader.. this isn't the worst of it so i don't need any pity or concern. i still have some sort of drive left, i'm not suicidal or anything.
i think i'm just testing my vessel's limits. it's fun.
all in all... i think i'm just displeased with myself as much as i've always been. i think i've been letting the whole phenomena of 'wasted potential' get to me. i feel like nobody cares to really hear from me, what goes on in my brain. it's more like a chore for others and i'm not gonna subject anyone to trying to make me feel better. it's not their job. that's why this site was made.
so should it be concerning that i don't care to update the one safe space i have? maybe. but i don't care. i have other spaces (space =/= safe space) that don't demand any creativity from me. i thought this site could be my compilation of creativity + internal monologues. i dont have the energy anymore.

like everything else reader, this mundane feeling is temporary. i'll be filled with energy eventually. everything is a cycle i suppose. i feel that this radical acceptance mindset i have going on has acted as a double edged sword. i am still appreciative of a lot of things.

another thought popped up into my head. i think im testing my bodys physical limits by starving myself to kill off the lust anyone would have for me to see if they'll then have genuine interest in my internal world. isn't that silly? here's how i think of that though reader:

• if i am no longer physically desirable then surely people must stick around because they hold my essence, and not my flesh, to some value.
• i often feel like people only give me any sort of thought or attention due to my appearance. not that i'm the prettiest thing in the world but i'm not ugly enough for someone to turn away. i feel like some sort of trophy. an object, simply put. i mean, how many care to read this whole blog? exactly my point, reader.
• i feel like people only lust for me. i often question the sincerity behind anyone's actions towards me. i believe majority of people are not good people by nature. they're not as generous as they'd like to think themselves as. most of the time their good deeds are performative for the reward of recognition and prasie instead of truly wanting to do a good deed for the improvement of someone else's being. people are selfish.
  they only do things for themselves 90% of the time.




like i said reader, this is temporary and i do plan on being kinder to myself. i have a habit of letting myself hit rock bottom so i enjoy the journey of building myself back up from scratch. it serves me as a reminder that i have to indulge in the divinity of the human experience. don't worry about me.
often though, i wonder if this void in my heart was placed by the hands of another or if i was born wth it. good night.


keep in touch?