ah. i have not forgotten about us, reader!

has it been a while? i think a little over two weeks is a rather short time.. well i wasn't entirely sure if i was going to keep this website going. i originally bought a one month plan to host this whole thing.. but i indulged and went ahead to buy another month. i have not shared this place with many others.. you can see how much i can babble. many dont care to hear from me.. but that's okay i guess. i have a better time dumping things into the void anyways.. 

i have made a joke that i am referred to as "captain-save-a-thot" as many seem to find it appropriate to only contact me during times of distress and nothing else in that matter. 
i try not to let it bother me, i like being of assistance when i can.. however it does get draining when it is not reciprocated, don't you agree? i can only do or say so much anyway..
i understand people may not be in the mood for everyday conversation.. but is it that difficult to have enough discretion to be talking to others out of leisure or purpose versus out of sheer convenience? 
did that even make sense? i dont know.
it's like efforts of connecting with another are ignored until they decide to use me as a pillow to scream into. oh well.

i returned to the seas of social media- well i've always been lurking but i reactivated my main account(s). i am already exhausted. 
too many people are texting me at once at this moment. i'm taking the selfish time to write these things down while i can.
ah- i also made a friendproject but.. the founders of the website might not be so great people.. haven't read enough on it. 
i'm sure i'll eventually delete it regardless. 

i've been feeling better. i think spending less time spectating the life others through online platforms has helped. 
i worry that i'm running out of.. i dont want to say empathy.. but i find myself losing more and more interest in others. i still hope the best for these people.. these strangers..
i'm still in the process of picking up other hobbies. i think i'm doing a decent job and keeping up with them this time! 

well.. that's all i have to say for now i suppose.. i definitely feel i had more to say but i already forgot.. oh well.

happy cancer season <3

until next time.. friend...

update 8.19.21:

  • well, i can surely assure you that i have lost 80% of my empathy and i have been drained, reader. sad to say.
  • i have no hard feelings towards these people, i simply no longer confide in them and prioritized my own time over theirs. it's the least i deserve.
  • i have accepted that people aren't granted to have the ability to help me walk through my own mind. they can't help what they don't care to/know how to understand.
  • i think it's very cliche or even "cringe" to believe that vast majority fail to understand me but truly, i've always felt this way whether it's a superiority complex or not. time and time again i leave people speechless after releashing an authentic peak of my thoughts. they don't have the tools to work with it and that's fine. its what therapy is for anyway.