ah.. hello again, reader.
i'll tell you this.. i made this site to try to reflect upon my own inner turmoils without the need to supplement such reflections with humor.
to be vulnerable.. i suppose. i deactivated my twitter.. or my main account at least. i wanted to deactivate my instagram too but i reactivated to find a link in my messages.. i'll deactivate again later.
i'm still using twitter though, just on a different account. if you find my alternative twitter accounts.. keep that to yourself. i know i tend to take on different personas but you must know that i am trying to be as authentic as i can be on here! i really am..
you believe me.. right?
anyway. i've been listening to my ol' goth rock playlist again and having strong urges to disappear.. a large contribution to this desire is my feeling of not belonging. rather pathetic, i am aware.
but let me tell you, reader.. i have not been pleased with my day to day human interactions for a while. this is mostly coming from my end, i dont want to impose any flaws or imply that the people i am surrounded with are bad company or anything.
but.. it would not be too far fetched to state so either. why do i want to protect the image of the people who make me feel unimportant.. i wonder..
ah.. but i still think it's more so of a feeling on my end. even those who hold a lot of value to me have been pissing me off these past few months.. i can not detect what it is exactly, but i just keep getting irritated.. i would like to live in a cottage home and raise a family of deer or rabbits..
preferably with the love of my life.. but i can handle being alone.. i suppose.
i try very hard to see the potential of people and the world as it can be. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing. other times i tell myself i should focus on the now, how things are, before i fixate myself on the endless possibilities of what things can develop into.
is that so wrong of me, reader? maybe i am a naive one after all..
are you happy? genuinely happy?
those are questions i ask myself first thing in the morning and last thing before i rest..
i think i'll be happy in a new environment.. i don't like it here.. i don't like being surrounded by familiar faces that make me feel like there are several universes in between us before i could finally feel connected to someone..
i think i'll buy a year plan to keep this site running.. my month plan is coming to its demise in a week or so. i will no longer inform others of my updates. if they care enough.. they'll see it, wont they?
i mean, why are you here, beloved reader?
maybe i have cut off contact with everyone and you're curious of my well being.. tell you what.. i'm on this rollercoaster of self rediscovery and trying to find what it is that i am looking for out of this human experience..maybe it's love.. i just want to belong somewhere...
wherever that is.....
hey reader.. lets go to new york.. or would you prefer santorini? maybe something more simple.. like a forest in oregon? wherever we are.. will you let me make you a cup of tea? i won't poison it.. do you trust me? reader? hey
do u trust me reader? if i tell you i'll keep living on another day and be happy will u trust that? will u? hey!
wont you come back...?